“Practicality vs. Bravery” and why I owe this one to “Jane the Virgin!”

“Practicality vs. Bravery” – thanks to the new hit show “Jane the Virgin” (Monday nights on the CW Network).  I received the new title of my blog post!  In my former life (pre-Scleroderma); I lived by the Practicality Rule. After high school, I went on to earn my Bachelor’s Degree from a University, then I sought out to find the "right job.”  By the time I was 24, I was successfully crossing off my ‘to-do’s” on my checklist. I secured a good paying job, which I was super grateful for, because it was along the interests of my actual college degree/concentration (Sociology & Gender Studies). This was my adult grown up job – it had insurance benefits; as well as, a decent salary & a retirement plan. Most importantly, it had my complete commitment and dedication, which I had never had in my previous jobs post college graduation.  In the beginning, I viewed my job as just that, a job. However, when I was forced to relinquish my position due to my health this past January (2014); I realized, I was indeed on a career track.  I worked extremely HARD for nearly 10 years; so much so, I received a promotion and upgraded from an Administrative Assistant to a Program Assistant.  I remember the minute I was hired for the position, I had a talk with myself. I said in very certain terms, “1. You will take this seriously, 2. You will work for 10 years; then depart to start the 2^nd half of your career as a coordinator in the same field (Residency Training) at another institution, probably in Connecticut or Westchester County, where the pay would be increased by minimum $20,000. “However, the old adage, – “Want to see God laugh? Make plans!”  Is definitely fitting for my circumstances.  My health prevented me from continuing to work in a conventional 9-5 office setting. I was forced to put my health first and foremost and rest/slowdown in order to save my life.

Great blessings came out of my near 10 year experience at my former institution. I found my voice as a writer, my talent as a graphic designer and my awesomeness as an event planner. Work was once the most important part of my identity.  However, when I had to stop working, I went through a culture-shock and had to redefine my self-identity, rebuild my self-esteem, and shift my focus to fit into my new existence. It took nearly a year to really digest that I was no longer gainfully employed under the conventional microscope.  I now had to step out on complete faith! After much prayer and consult, I knew it was time for me to enact the Bravery Rule.  I decided to claim the thing that courses through my veins - Writing. It allows me the opportunity to put my words, thoughts, feelings, emotions and humor together in one medium.  Writing is a wonderful outlet, where I can really get in there and talk about different subjects that not only interest me; but things that are happening in the world, and I lend my unique voice and style of writing to the reader. If you are talented, driven, trust in yourself and your dream; you CAN & WILL achieve anything and everything you put your mind to!  Be confident, work hard at your craft/talent, and be sure to always remain humble & continue to give thanks for your amazing gifts! I know that I wouldn’t have stepped out to claim the Bravery Rule, if I did not have a loving support system that believed in me harder than I ever believed in myself!  You know you are loved unconditionally when the beautiful people around you not only root for you winning; but, they motivate and encourage you to go after your dream!  It is because of their honesty, love, encouragement, and 100% support and contribution to my passion; my dream is now a reality.  I now proudly proclaim - “I’m a Writer!!” I own this truth and I’m proud that I was given this gift of expression.  

Now, I NEED to say this disclaimer - - If you’re about to enact the “Bravery Rule” for a 2^nd half of your career, please, please, please be sure to have some sort of some LEGAL funds coming in, OR saved up to sustain living expenses! I would be doing you a great injustice if I neglected to advise you of this VERY important thing. Go forth, conquer and succeed!!

 Smooches, Hugs & Much Love!  
Kimberly

Do you suffer from S.C.W. Syndrome? Find out here!

Question, do you ever get wrapped up in the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s?”  Are you scratching your head, thinking aloud, “what in the hell, is Kimberly talking about?” LOL, Well, simply put, the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s” are when you replay a certain scenario in your mind.  You think about a specific situation/interaction from your past and you start second guessing your reaction/response to the said scenario.  That “second guessing yourself" is essentially you thinking, you ‘should have,’ ‘would have,’ and/or if you ‘could have’ done, or said something differently; it would have most likely resulted in a new/different outcome, where you’re deemed the absolute victor. So now that you’re all caught up on the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s.”  It actually is the worst damn space to be in!  I guess for those that believe in the proverbial state of ‘limbo,’ this would be the equivalent of SCW’s. Y’all know I had to make the dang acronym, it’s a lot to keep typing out fully. In addition, if you’re an avid reader of my previous blogs, you will recall that I love to create and utilize an acronym!  The SCW Syndrome, yes, I decided to make it a ‘syndrome!’ What else can you call “emotions or actions that usually form an identifiable pattern?” Sure, I could’ve (<- see, I’m doing it right there!) selected the word ‘disease,’ or, ‘disorder;’ but ‘syndrome’ just flowed better. So like I was saying, initially, you know, BEFORE I decided to jump in and cut myself off… SMH.  Anyway, SCW Syndrome is suffered by many.  Some people deal with SCW Syndrome in silence.  Well, I’m going to set you free today! Liberate yourselves, admit this is a ‘condition’ that we need to abolish entirely from our lives!!  I know somewhere, in some part of the world, someone just said it out loud, “I am insert your first name here and I have SCW Syndrome!” Now that you’re aware, you aren’t the only person in life to ever live in this void space.  You may even start to ‘regret’ your initial decision. Once again, I need to help you, “regret is a useless emotion!” You can’t realistically go back in time and rewind a situation. Like this is real life, not one of those “Back to the Future” franchise flicks. The past, is just that, the past! It’s over, it’s never, ever going to come back! Move forward and you’ll live in a space that is amazingly FREE! We have to stop torturing ourselves unnecessarily! We’re a culture of over analytical, jumpy, quizzical human beings that live in cloudy realm of self-doubt. I can no longer be an active participant in this culture of self-abuse, LMAO…. Seriously though, I’m proclaiming a new way for myself and hopefully you, yes, YOU, will join me in abandoning SCW Syndrome. So tell me, are you in??

 

Smooches, Hugs & Much Love...
Kimberly

It’s my 1 year Cannulaversary!!!!

“Cannulaversary” just doesn’t roll off the tongue easily. However, if you know anything at all about me, then you know I LOVE to create some new sh*t!!!!! LOL Yes, I am notorious for creating some type of new word or an acronym.  It’s a talent, what can I say?! [Taking a bow, taking a bow, please, hold your applause.]  So, I’ve decided I would celebrate the day that I was finally approved for supplemental oxygen and thus, required to wear the often dreaded; and at the same time beloved, cannula. Does this sound crazy to you? Not so much to me… If you’ve been rocking with me for a minute, you’ve realized by now that I’m a lil’ ‘crazy.’  Not certifiable, and not quite 7:30, [urban colloquialism that defines the severity of one’s ‘craziness;’ as if it can be measured in actual time] like I need a strait jacket/ I should start hanging out with “Crazy Eyes” from Orange is the New Black type of crazy; but crazy, like an odd sense of humor type of crazy. It’s probably in my best interest to stop (over) explaining my ‘craziness’ at this very minute.  It’s like common knowledge if you over explain something for far too long, you tend to dig yourself into a deeper hole than you initially intended. So I’m going to digress, at this exact moment.  As I was saying earlier on within this post, I decided that this “Cannulaversary” should be commemorated.  This special day marked a new start within my world.  I had been struggling to breathe for a few years and it was challenging to not only watch my decline; but to literally feel the restriction within my lungs and the inability to breathe normal deep full breaths.  Essentially, I was a front row participant in the rapid decline of my lungs.  It pained me to really think about how my body was betraying me. I could no longer walk short distances and breathing was just… laborious. It wasn’t until I received my supplemental oxygen concentrator, the portable tanks, the reserve tanks; as well as, all the extra tubing and cannulas, that I would be given the gift of breathing a little easier.  These supplies were initially met with extreme opposition in combination with quite a bit of trepidation. My pride felt that it was more of a stigma to be ‘saddled down’ with this new ‘burden.’ Like WTF?!? I was only 33 (at the time), and I had been living with Scleroderma since I was 19, Polymyositis and all my other ‘treats’ of MCTD (Mixed Connective Tissue Disease: Raynaud’s, dry eye, mouth and nose, etc.)  As if all of that wasn’t enough to deal with? Now, I’d be REQUIRED to use this “eyesore” both in public & at home?!?! Vanity is a real thing people; however, if you let it consume you, you’re as deep as a cheap a$$ deflated kiddie pool.   One year post of my cannulaization, (yes, this is yet another word I created). I’ve finally transcended above the vanity. I am no longer ashamed of the cannula. How can I be ashamed of something that is helping me to survive?  I now own my confidence and proudly wear my cannula. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a love/hate relationship with the cannula/supplemental oxygen. I obviously love the cannula, because it provides my lungs with the much needed oxygen supply they cannot produce on their own. I’m able to talk for longer spans of time, my overall color is better, as I’m getting more oxygen to flow throughout my entire body. The hate part comes about when I have to worry about breaking my neck when I trip on this crazy 25-foot long cannula cord & tubing.  I know it’s long so that I can easily navigate from room to room; however, why in the hell does it have to get caught on everything?! People with supplemental oxygen know exactly what I’m talking about!  How many times have you been walking swiftly, like you’re on a serious mission trying to go from one room to the next, only to be propelled backwards in an awkward yanking motion with one arm flailing in the air and the other arm instinctively grabbing to protect your neck. Now you may be afflicted with a case of whiplash, your ears are killing you because the damn cord nearly ripped them off; and your eyes are bugged out of your head at the sheer force of the abrupt stop due to the damn jamming of the cannula cord?!?! But I digress.  Whew, I typed much more than I actually anticipated; I’m just so thankful that I’m finally able to breathe the good air!  Happy 1 year Cannulaversary!!!

Have you been unable to get the "official" Scleroderma dignosis? Then this one's for you!

Have you been trying to search for answers re: the multiple symptoms you've been suffering with?  Have you gone from doctor to doctor, and you still don't have any answers as to what may be wrong with you?  Are you feeling like you're at your wits end; and, you're completely frustrated, confused and overwhelmed?  Well, this post is for you!! 

 

I know it's difficult when physicians aren't able to assign a diagnosis to your specific set of ailments.  Awful doctors will tell you, "It's all in your head & you're probably depressed." Whatever you do in life,  DO NOT & I repeat, DO NOT, listen to them! You know your body better than anyone else! You know when you aren't feeling like yourself, and you have pain, discomfort, changes in your skin, a persistent cough; and, the other Scleroderma/ Sjogrens/Pulmonary Fibrosis type symptoms (the list of symptoms is really long. If I were to type it out, um ...I'd straight up need to hop off of the bed, run - -wait who am I kidding? The only running I do is a fake brisk walk! LOL.. Anyway, I'd have to 'briskly' walk to get the braces to keep my wrists in place; because my hands just don't work the same way anymore...but, I digress).  If I can give you the smallest bit of comfort, I want you to know it's definitely NOT in your head; simply put - pain is real! A good physician will be straight up honest with you; if they can't piece together the multiple symptoms you're experiencing. Moreover, an excellent physician will recommend you to a specialist who knows more about the specific chronic illness they 'think' you may have. My advice to you is don't give up hope! Forge ahead & find the best rheumatologist in your area!!!! They will order all the blood tests to search the ANA levels and CPK levels in your body; as well as, give you a thorough physical examination and an in depth conversation so that can take your history etc. Depending on where you're located (geographically), you may check your local Scleroderma Foundation Chapter. You can find that out by going here: www.scleroderma.org,  They can give you the info for their rheumatologists, nephrologists, pulmonologists etc. Another way you can go about finding a specialist would be to go onto the website of the nearest major university hospital & research the specialists. Keep going forward until you get an accurate diagnosis!! Validation is necessary, it will be medically confirmed that you will know you aren't crazy! You are indeed experiencing pain all day, every day. I hope this is helpful!

Sundays…

Sunday, is the one day out of the week when I designate and dedicate a few hours of my morning to channel in and center my spiritual house. Sundays, are the start to a brand new week; it’s the first day where we can wipe the slate clean and start anew.  I use Sundays to connect to a place within myself, where I can freely open my heart to God & receive The Word via the amazingly charismatic Pastor Joel Osteen.  Pastor Osteen knows how to keep his audience engaged and focused.  He easily breaks down the word so that I understand and use the take-away messages from the sermon within my everyday encounters/interactions.  Yes, you read that correctly; I indeed said, “Pastor Osteen easily breaks down The Word, so that I can understand.”  LOL, self-centered much?!?! Yeah, maybe an itty bit yo. LOL Seriously, when I’m watching the televised church sermon, I become transfixed and the messages that are orated by Pastor Osteen usually applies to something that I have been feeling and/or going through personally.  The messages resonate so deeply within my soul, I feel so fulfilled and fed with renewed spiritual sustenance.  After the televised church service concludes, I then, move on to OWN’s widely popular and celebrated “Super Soul Sunday!” I think it the perfect follow-up programming; because it complements the teachings from the sermons.  The “Spiritual Guru’s” that are interviewed by Oprah, have a vast amount of spiritual wisdom which they share through discussing their novels & life practices.  The one commonality seen within the different “Spiritual Guru’s” is the connectedness between the individual, our environment and the greatness of the spiritual higher power.  Everything is intertwined & interrelated.  The messages may be different, however; they ultimately have the same exact result.  All of the messages from my Sunday morning line-up help to revive and rejuvenate me spiritually.  The words and messages fill my heart and I am warmed, and left feeling an overwhelming feeling of love, joy and appreciation for a God that has blessed me with so many wonderful things.  Sundays are special, spiritually satisfying sustenance for my soul! Y’all know I LOVE alliteration yo! LOL….

The Sad Post…

I am not really sure what I’m feeling these days.  It’s as if I’m a permanent resident of the proverbial “rollercoaster of life.” Everyone has peaks and valleys, or highs and lows; but at this current juncture, I feel so alone and a bit lost and really confused.  Does everyone go through these periods? I’m not certain.  I can only speak for myself.  I’m 34, and so uncertain of what I REALLY want for my future.  Is it because I’m secretly afraid that I’d be a bit presumptuous “preparing” for my future; if there indeed is a future?  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  The likelihood of a person getting hit by a car and meeting their maker; may have a higher probability than me succumbing to my ‘end’ by Scleroderma.  I know I’m usually very uplifting or upbeat when I write my posts. However, I think it’s only fair for me to show you the other side of my life.  There are days where I’m just so sad, and I feel so cheated; because I have so many limitations and that’s just really hard to truly accept since I have such a fiercely independent spirit.  I have to allow myself to have these ‘negative’ feelings, because I’m human.  Humans have a range of emotions. Pretending to be something I’m not, is just not the move boo! Straight up, I'm too grown and too honest to lie about of sugarcoat something this serious.  It is my sole intention to be 100% transparent with my Chronically Ill Peeps & Readers alike…To be very blunt, Scleroderma sucks! I'm now dropping the mic and sashaying away... See ya in the next post people!! 

Ways to Know You’re Sick...

1.       When your kitchen countertop starts to resemble a pharmacy.

2.      When you’re able to list the generic names for your prescriptions.

3.      At this point in your illness, you’re probably been to a handful (and counting) of specialists’ offices & you’re so familiar with medical jargon from each specialty; you probably deserve a damn PhD/Honorary Doctorate. I mean you already are an unofficial Social Worker, Patient Advocate, Nurse, Appointment Scheduler, so on & so forth…

Then there’s the obvious stuff; debilitating pain, difficulty breathing, constant painful persistent cough. No one ever said life would be easy.  Just be thankful you woke up today, because so many people weren’t given that gift.  Even through all the suffering and complaints, we still have to give thanks to HIM for giving us a chance to open our eyes, take a breath, and think, speak, freely move our limbs, love and live another day. 

I have M.C.T.D… I wish this acronym was a damn degree instead of a disease!

In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have chosen to have one incurable chronic illness, let alone two.  I mean who in the hell would choose to feel pain EVERY DAY ALL DAY (no exaggeration)?!? Um, that’s a rhetorical question, so I really don’t need to write an answer to that question.  My reality is… I have Scleroderma & Polymyositis. I felt like I was giving an introduction at an AA meeting with my previous declaration, LMAO.  I know I haven’t mentioned the later disease much (in my previous posts), it isn’t because its effects are ‘mild;’ actually it’s the total antithesis of ‘mild.’  Both diseases cause extreme pain and inflammation in the joints and muscles. Moreover, they both compromise the immune system and both diseases are incurable.  Polymyositis generally effects the areas specific to the trunk of the body, i.e. the neck, arms, chest (including the lungs and heart) all the way through the hips and legs.  Polymyositis is muscle inflammation coupled with weakening of the muscles and lots of pain.  It causes neck weakening and many people have difficulty with swallowing and lifting their head; and it even effects walking. Sometimes, I’ll have what I call the ‘cowboy strut,’ and I waddle like I’ve been riding horses across the damn desert plains for hours or something, LOL… [DISCLAIMER: I’m NOT making light of this awful disease. I’m strictly talking about MY experience with these diseases; and as I mentioned in my previous post, I utilize humor to cope.]   In addition to difficulty walking, there’s great struggle with climbing stairs; as well as, trying to get up from low seated positions. It’s hard to do the simplest of tasks. For example, it’s a chore to try to comb/brush and style your hair or grabbing objects, or bending down to pick something up.  I am so thankful my mother bought me two reachers/extenders one for the kitchen; and the other, I transport from room to room.  When you have Polymyositis you’re tracked by a Rheumatologist, which works in my favor since I already see this specialty for my Scleroderma.   Both diseases are able to be managed by medication i.e. steroids (or other medications); which can be administered orally or intravenously.  The goal is to try to put Polymyositis into remission.  Some very severe cases of Polymyositis causes people to use wheelchairs and walkers because they are unable to walk/get around without assistance.

If I were to place my “extreme pain days” on a rating chart system, I would plot my intense level of pain at a level 15 or 20.  However, on a ‘normal pain day,’ (which is every damn day) my pain levels are anywhere from minimum 6 to 10.  Any pain is too much; but on “extreme pain days;” it feels as if my world is coming to an end.   It’s unbearable.  Usually, I have to take a pain relief medication every 6 hours to help me cope. More than likely, on “extreme pain days” a slight fever will attach itself to my pain. In order to cope, my body will go into ‘sleep mode.’  “Sleep mode” is the equivalent of blacking out x hibernation type sleep = “Rip Van Wrinkle Territory” a.k.a. deep, hard and long periods of rest.  I only wake up when the pain has dissipated to ‘normal’ pain levels.  The only things that sort of minimally help are heating pads and hot showers to help penetrate and sooth the inflamed areas. Sometimes. The pain is localized to specific areas like my shoulders, or my posterior and hips area.  On these days, I often have to utilize a cane to help aid me with walking around my apartment.  I can’t determine which disease is causing what pain; since there are overlapping symptoms. It would be most appropriate to say, I have MCTD (Mixed Connective Tissue Disease). Many individuals with Scleroderma have another accompanying autoimmune disease, like Lupus, Fibromyalgia or Sarcoidosis, just to name a few).  It’s horrible when you really stop to think about the fact that a person’s body can literally betray them by attacking itself. 

It’s my mission in this life to advocate for raising awareness for chronic illnesses and diseases overall.  By spreading awareness, we are giving people information & educating them on a specific cause.  If you personally don’t have a chronic illness; I’m sure you may have a friend or loved one living with an illness.  The more people who become aware of an organization/cause, may go on to tell a friend or five and they all may donate to a cause.  A portion of charitable donations goes directly to research to help find cures.  I don’t want another person to ever have to experience the pain and complications that I do each and every day of my life.  I know I rep extra hard (a.k.a. advocate) for Scleroderma by selling raffle tickets, writing my local and state Senators, as well as; promoting awareness on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Google+.  Not to mention, the creation of this very blog to help bring light to the fact that there are so many people who have chronic illnesses and we “push past pain” to lead very full lives.   It’s my hope that you help me and others suffering, to have their voices heard and validated. If you can spare a bit of time or money, there are charities all over that can use a helping hand and a smiling face. Please turn the idea of ‘pain’ into a “passion project.”  It’s my absolute hope and prayer that there will be a cure for Scleroderma, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Sarcoidosis, and Polymyositis; as well as, any disease that is currently categorized as ‘incurable.’

Thank you for reading and I’ll see you in the next post. 

 

Smooches & Hugs!

Kimberly

 

Single Since Seventy-Nine – My Solitary Saga

LMAO at my knack for alliteration used above! Seriously though, I am the epitome of the “Plight of the Single Woman.”  I’m living a singular, solitary life of a childless singleton. No significant other & no spawns. LOL Do you notice my self-deprecating humor much? In a one word answer: “YES!”  It’s my shield, it helps me cope. You know the old adage “laugh to keep from crying?”  Well, I’m the poster child!  Sometimes I feel like the ‘last of the Mohican's.’ Can you relate to this feeling?  More than ever before, I’ve noticed for every married on engaged person I know; I also know another 2 single people. According to the 2012 U.S. Census, “62% of unmarried U.S. residents 18 and older have never been married.”[Source:  America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2012 Table A1].   After reading that statistic, you’d think I’d feel a bit more reassured that I’m not alone, right? Um, nope, that isn’t the case.  Looking closely at the statistic, it said “unmarried;” which is VERY different from being single.  Even though you’re labeled ‘unmarried,’ you can very well be in a loving committed relationship.  Moreover, not every single person is alone. Some people self-identify as ‘single’ because they’re “unmarried.” This isn’t to say that they aren’t dating or in a committed relationship; they’re just being really technical about the word usage of their personal situations.  When I discuss my “singledom” (yep, I’m aware it isn’t a real word… It just fits perfectly in my piece, LOL). I’m solely referring to being alone, alone; as in, not “booed up” (slang for being in a relationship) & not dating/getting to know/”talking to” (slang for the beginning of the “getting to know you” stage, pre dating and pre relationship) anyone at all. 

Most days, I’d say I’m a “Satisfied Single” woman. I’m thankful for learning that term from Loni Love; it means, I’m fine with not having a significant other and I keep living my life happily. However, some days, “I’m like I NEED a boo ASAP!”  This is usually magnified times a million when I have my ‘baby pangs.’  I’m in my mid 30’s & my biological clock is blaring.  Every time I see an adorable baby my ovaries jiggle and my uterus jumps for joy. It sort of reminds me of when “Fat Bastard” (Austin Powers’ character) utters the “get in my belly” line.  LOL.  Not to mention, I’m hyper aware of my ‘single status’ when I receive an invitation to an event; and have to send in the RSVP card. It’s ALWAYS marked the same, “for one.”  One day I hope I’ll be able to write in “plus one, or Kimberly, (insert name of spouse) & family.”  However, if there’s anything I’ve learned thus far; God will send whoever he has in store for you, when you’re supposed to meet them and not a minute before.

 Through my introspective work reflecting on past situations and relationships that didn’t work out, I now understand that those men were not for me.  The minute I shared that I had Scleroderma, some disappeared like they were moonlighting as Houdini (the magician not the rap group, LMAO).  Others, tried to say they understood and didn’t mind that I was chronically ill; but broke up with me soon after my revelation anyway.  I don’t fault these men for leaving, they knew they were not equipped to handle something.  In turn, I saw that they weren’t strong enough for me.  In a partner, I don’t need a caretaker or a handler.  I need a mate, my other half, a person to build with, be intimate with.  The blessing was that I was able to figure out the incompatibility of those failed relationships before any more precious time and emotions were wasted. So as I joke about my “Solitary Saga,” it’s actually quite real. I move through my everyday as an individual without a romantic relationship; but I’m not alone.  I have so much love in my life and I give so much love to the people in my life.  Every day is a new day to continue to work on myself & to achieve my goals.  That way, when I meet ‘the one,” or the man God will send to me, I’ll be in a better position to receive healthy, mature, and real unconditional love.  I will also be able to offer my whole complete heart, time and attention to work towards establishing a beautiful & hopefully lifelong union. 

Disappearing Acts and the Comeback or should I say the “Come through?!”

So it’s “been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope entry to read boo.”  LOL, that’s my ‘creative’ spin on Eric B. & Rakim’s “I Know You Got Soul,” (which is a classic rap song circa the 80’s). Seriously, I’ve been ‘gone’ from my blog for a while.  In the time I’ve been away, I’ve been going through the motions of trying to figure out the next stage of my life.  I know everyone goes through ‘finding their identity.”  I think these introspective/self-reflective periods of “finding oneself” happens a few times within our life span.  These ‘phases,’ come about as a direct example of growth & maturity.  As we age, we tend to grow wiser through experience and lessons learned; you know the old adage, “been there, tried that, moved on…”  At some point, we (women) gain the confidence to live OUR best lives for ourselves – our rules, our way!  As we grow, sometimes it becomes necessary that we become a bit selfish, we spend a lifetime, thinking about and taking care of others, and we end up neglecting our wants and needs. So the ‘selfishness,’ is really reclaiming and reconnecting to your own identity.  In our childhood, we try to please our parents and live up to their ideal of who they ‘created’ us to be.   In our later teens through our early 20’s, we’re in college trying to figure out who we are. We reject our “original programming” from our parental units and work on discovering what we like for a change.  It’s also during these college years, we try to figure out what we want to do for a living; so basically we go buck wild with exploration – i.e. partying for days on end & studying everything & anything under the sun, LOL. By our mid 20’s, we become more focused.  We settle into our “stable/practical jobs” or if you’re lucky enough, you found your desired career path early on, and you’re working towards achieving multiple promotions within the same field.  

 I don’t know about you, but I am a compulsive list maker! It’s the only way to keep all the tasks & to-do lists straight within my head.   I’m admittedly ‘slightly’ forgetful (which is actually becoming a lot worse with age, but that’s for another entry, LOL).  Anyway, in my late 20’s I was thrown a bit of a curveball when I was diagnosed with 2 chronic illnesses (Scleroderma & Polymyositis).  These ‘revelations’ changed my to-do list/work plan completely!  I had already put in over 3 years at my ‘stable/practical job.’ Originally, I planned to work there for 10 years total, before I was to leave and find a new position in my actual ‘career field’ to settle into until I hit retirement age.  However, when I received my ‘double diagnosis,” I had to refocus my ‘Professional Compass” and recalibrate the appropriate direction I would ultimately NEED to go towards.  If you have a chronic illness or have a family member/friend/loved one that has a chronic illness, you’re aware that life is very challenging for the afflicted individual.  That individual has to deal with their pain/sickness, taking multiple medications per day to treat their illness. Moreover, there are CONSTANT visits to the physicians/specialists offices & countless scans and lab visits.  If you’re ‘working while ill’ like I was, there’s plenty of days where you cannot make it in to the office because, you’re so sick.  Thankfully, my employer at the time understood that all of my absences and lateness’ weren’t due to me being “unprofessional or non-productive;” but, it was seriously something I had absolutely no control over.  When you’re chronically ill, your day is solely structured around how you feel when you wake up in the a.m.   I had to use all of my vacation time and personal days as ‘sick days,’ since I would run through all of my allotted sick time so quickly.  That was problematic, because as we all know, there is such a thing as ‘work burnout’ and those 4 weeks a year (may be more, or less time depending on where you work) of vacation time is necessary to recharge your batteries. When you no longer have accumulated time (vacation/personal/sick time) in your work bank; you start to get your paychecks docked.  Docked paychecks ultimately wreak havoc on your life.  You end up worrying about how you’re going to afford everything within your lifestyle (rent, bills, car notes, etc.) Whew, it was a STRESSFUL time for me, thus, I had to focus solely on trying to make my life work and didn’t have much time to dedicate to my blog.  Now, that I’m a bit more centered, and I’m so thankful and extremely grateful to God to have ‘come through’ that chaotic/challenging time in my life.

 I’m back and ready to type ‘it’ out.  When I say ‘it,’ I mean I’ll write about my own life, after all this blog is entitled "Chronicles of The Modern C.I.C. (Chronically Ill Chick/Chic Ill Chick), a.k.a. #BrokendownBlackBarbie, #CannulaChicCutie, #HomeboundHottie.  Basically, I’m a multifaceted woman who will explore and write about everything that’s of interest to me, i.e. fashion, music, makeup, relationships, politics; or if I receive any interesting topic suggestions.  

In addition, I give great advice for those seeking answers or suggestions for their problems & concerns.  Just tweet me and be sure to include the following: #COTMCIC.  I’m not being biased, I’m seriously a great ‘Solution Specialist’ just ask my family & close friends, I know they’ll be honest with you.   I’m here to stay and don’t plan on doing any further impromptu ‘disappearing acts;’ so just know, I’m here for you boo!   Yes you! 

 Thanks for taking the time to read my latest entry! Be sure to follow me on Twitter: @Ms_Modern_C.IC.

 

Smooches & Hugs,

Kimberly***