Friday, April 24, 2015

Memories...


Memories are your personal experiences & reflections of your past interactions through this “journey” we navigate, better known as - - Life.   Your memories are stored away, some, are long lost & forgotten. They’re locked deep, deep within the crevasses & compartments of our minds – like you can’t remember them, that is until someone inserts the key & ‘reminds’ you of the past event. Which, prompts you into opening up the “passageway to the past.”  Other memories, are readily available, and embedded right in the frontal lobe.  I can clearly recall my very first memory in life. I was in the crib, yes, the crib. I remember my mother’s bed was located in the far right corner of her bedroom, my crib was located to the left side of the room; which was in direct eyeshot of my mother’s bed.  I clearly remember the style of her long sleeved ankle length, ivory housecoat with huge pastel colored flowers perfectly placed all over.  I glanced upwards and noticed she was exiting the bedroom; I recall wondering, “Where is she going?” I’ve always been inquisitive…  I was wearing a short-sleeved chambray blue t-shirt with navy blue piping around my neck and arms, along with a diaper. I was sitting upright, just chilling, and minding my own business.  My gaze went from looking at my mom sauntering out of the bedroom, to looking down at my plush animal friends. Just as I glanced downward, I heard a very loud, deep, booming voice scream “BOO!!!” I then saw my father’s long, voluminous “billy goat” inspired beard & accompanying mustached face (it was 1980 – we can’t fault the man for this faux pas) hovering over my crib. This crazy man was looking down at me grinning wide like a Cheshire Cat. I recall his gold chain with the circular charm dangling swinging back and forth over my crib like a pendulum. I jumped up, startled & scared for my life! It was straight out of a bond movie, my little body was “shaken, not stirred.” After the reality of what just occurred and after a few sets of rapid eye blinks; I broke out into tears, wailing loudly for my mother’s return. I needed her to save me from my crazy ass Daddy! I remember thinking, “Why in the hell would you do that Daddy? “ Yes, that was my EXACT thought! It’s a memory - - not a story that was passed down from my parents to me. I remember the very first time I spoke of my earliest memory to my parents, they were shocked – when I accurately described the layout of the room; along with my father admitting his role in the above ‘incident.’  I should make note: Till this very day, I am easily startled & extremely jumpy! I KNOW, he was the catalyst for this life-long condition of everlasting ‘Scaredycatdom!” (Yep, I’m at it again, with another new phrase!) However, I cannot solely blame my father for my rickety nerves; I mean, I did grow up in Castle Hill Houses (Projects); and gunshots were often heard; and thankfully I always dodged…
Some memories haunt my heart. They’re memories of a time where life was a little bit easier, and I could literally BREATHE… Obviously, I’m still breathing, like how in the hell else did I write, this post?!? LMAO (If you’re a new reader, then you should be advised; I MUST inject humor into my posts, it’s a lifestyle, I promise, you’ll love me for it!). Now back to what I was saying…I remember how much easier life was when I wasn’t concerned with breathing with the assistance of supplemental oxygen; without cannula tubing; without coughing so hard that I think I’ll ultimately break my ribs.  Ruminating about a time long ago, when I wasn’t so fearful of eating; or even a time where I naturally felt & could easily identify - - hunger. When you have Scleroderma & Pulmonary Fibrosis, there are a lot of issues you may deal with when it comes to GERD, esophageal issues, allergies, as well as, congestion problems ( just to name a few – the lists of symptoms & associated conditions/ailments is too long to cover here).  Personally, I have all of the aforementioned conditions, but I’ll focus on my enlarged esophagus.  Having an enlarged esophagus is hazardous!  My food easily travels back upward, instead of digesting properly, like a normal, healthy working esophagus/gut.  I am in jeopardy of my food aspirating into my lungs and choking me to death. As a precaution, I must not eat late in the evening; it’s advised, that sit upright for 3 hours & sleep at a 45 degree angle.  Furthermore, I also need to avoid certain foods & drinks that can exacerbate chaos and inflict havoc.  Hell, I’m longing for the times where I was actually able to sleep, a full, deep rested, uninterrupted slumber. One where my dreams weren’t nightmares, full of anxiety about waging a war to remain alive. When I have a memory of my former, healthy life, I realize how dangerous some those memories are.  I’m left longing for something I’ll never be able to regain in this life – apparatus free living.  The fibrosis in my lungs severely restricts my breathing. I affectionately refer to them as my “lousy lungs,” which only function at 35%.  I cough throughout the day & night, anything can set it off, from laughter, to dust, perfumes or colognes, and if I (over)eat – well, then I get sick, because I have no gag reflex, to hold things securely inside.  I feel full most days (which is actually very common in Pulmonary Fibrosis patients).  The supplemental oxygen level I’m on is 2.5 liters &  sometimes, I have to go up to 3 liters to breathe easier. The only option to ‘save my life’ is to receive a double lung transplant.  Life is ironic, the one thing that can save my life, is also the thing I CANNOT receive.  So this is the place, where I’d usually insert something funny; but no, this is actually pretty sad. I’ve made peace with this.  My expiration date cannot be determined by doctors. Only HE knows when I will be done with my journey in the physical world.  Statistically, there may be a greater chance of getting hit by a bus, or some other horrific accident that would take me out of this world more quickly than my diseases. I may live to be a wrinkle-free Centenarian. (My Scleroderma Warriors will relate to this quip, LOL.)
In order to cope, with this beautifully imperfect life of mine, I choose to focus on actually living within; as well as, participating in fostering & sustaining healthy, loving relationships with my close family & dear friends.  I’m focused on creating & nurturing heart-to-heart connections with beautiful souls by sharing, learning, exchanging, educating, advocating and collaborating on ways to bring about awareness & funding to Scleroderma, Pulmonary Fibrosis and Polymyositis Organizations. In addition, it’s imperative for me to work on promoting positivity, empowerment and uplifting one another to live up to our greatness, “Stand in Our Truths” & take ownership & be cognizant of how we move within The Universe.  Basically, I’m too damn busy being an active participant and writing my NEW narrative; not the one prescribed to me by any textbook/physician/medical test. I’m more focused on reminiscing about all the good times; it brings a smile to my face, joy to my heart, and usually laughter in copious amounts; because of my “theatrical orating” in only the way, I can deliver doses of hilarity.  And last but definitely not least, if it weren’t for my beloved & cathartic writing… I truly would be, “Alone In a Room,” “All By Myself,” “Alone, Alone, Alone.” <- Trivia Category: “Origin of Phrases for 500...” & the Answer is: “What are song lyrics Alex?!” LMAO, CTFU… I truly crack myself up!
Thank you for reading, until next time…
Sending you all love, light & positivity,
Kimberly***
 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

How to Handle Haters 101

How to Handle Haters 101: "If they hate, then let them hate & watch the money pile up!!!" My fellow hip-hop enthusiasts have committed these "words to live by" as a decree on how to 'navigate life.'  They were orated by 50 Cent in his monster hit "In Da Club."  There's a simple formula you can remember to help you keep focused on obtaining/working towards your goals at all times:
 
"Your dollars = zero cents to hating bishes!"
 
As defined yesterday, a bish is a Bitter Individual Spewing Hate. This bish doesn't matter in your episode of  "Living Life"<- Oh yeah, I should make a quick mention...that's the new "TV Title" I've assigned for "our episodes" a.k.a. "topics of discussion" LOL. I just crack up and how awesome & creative I am!  Hahahah remember, I already established that "the first love is self-love" in a previous post  :-) and yes, yes, as BeyoncĂ© would say, "I'm feelin' feeling myself!"  but I digress...  After yesterday's post entitled, "Ms.Modern.C.I.C.ism 101," I laid the groundwork on explaining why we must shut bishes completely out of our lives.  They  (bishes) are dangerously toxic & if you inhabit the same air supply with them for too long; their energy WILL rub off on you, which will mess up your entire chi on  like 100 different  levels!  You must continue on your "positivity path" and keep going after & working towards your goals.
 
Remember, you have to know & believe that your talent, technique & drive will win your race each and every time! We each have our own lane that we're running in to obtain our respective wins. Of course in this analogy, the race is life. We must continue our growth and evolution to constantly propel upwards, continue onward, never veering too far off the path of our goal(s); and continuously move in the forward direction!!  It's about pushing yourself beyond the parameters of your "comfort zone." Be bold & brave to go after what it is that your heart desires; just make sure, your motivation & your skill set/talents can live up to what it is you're working to achieve. 
 
We often don't realize that when you study, work hard & go after your goals; you're already successful.  Many individuals equate success with monetary reward. Sure, getting paid appropriately or in excess, would be the icing on the proverbial 'cake.' However, hard work in itself is a success, because it shows your intense drive to strive for something diligently. Your resolve & strength show great character and mental focus, as well as maturity. As you continue working, you WILL be noticed and appreciated. Your work WILL touch one person; then a few, eventually... you've lost count, not because you are inundated or can't be bothered. But because, you aren't counting how many times you were the light for someone to help lead them to a better path for their lives. Each time you're able to help another person improve their outlook; well, that just fills up your heart and satisfies your soul - - that's the real reward. You're "paid purely' in the form of joy to your heart & a smile on your face. 
 
As you forge ahead etching your name/brand into your chosen industry, always remember to remain humble, proceed with dignity, honesty & grace as you continue to successfully climb your way to the top! We all know as we grind HARD, there's always a bish standing where? Over there; yup them, that bish! They're doing what they do best – being a bitter individual spewing hate! They’re wishing and praying for your downfall, they can’t wait to rejoice in your failure. What should you do? Nod at them, not to acknowledge their existence; but, to let them know you can SEE their true intentions. Haters/”Jealous Ones”/Bishes come from the same parasitic family; they thrive solely on the consumption of your downfall! When you let them know they've been "identified" you’ve already take away their “power.” Did I forget to mention some of the biggest bishes can actually be in YOUR group?! Yup, it's true, some bishes are our ‘friends’ & ‘family.’ When you let them know you "peep game" urban colloquialism which is the equivalent of “discovered their true intentions,” as in what scheme they're up to. You know to keep them avoid and/or eliminate an infiltrator. Now you’re free & clear to continue to, "keep rising to the top & give it all you got!"
Thanks for reading! See you next time...
 
Sending you Love, Light & Positivity!
Kimberly***

Friday, April 17, 2015

Ms.Modern.C.I.C.ism 101: Defining & Clarifying MY usage of the word "bish"

Ms.Modern.C.I.C.ism 101: Defining & Clarifying MY usage of the word "bish."  My usage of "bish" is VERY, VERY, VERY different from the commonly used "replacement" for a degrading name (rhymes with witch) & often used to primarily belittle/degrade women. It's not exclusively used to solely slander women; it's often used to demote men as well. When I utilize the word "bish," it's an acronym; it stands for:

Bitter
Individual
Spewing 
Hate
 
This term is not gender specific. It's used to describe detractors/haters; you know "Negative Nelly's" "Sour Sylvester's" "Grimy Gavin's" or "Bitter Becky's."  I'm living in and loving my "journey of positivity."  If you're a regular reader, you will remember back to the very first day of the New Year, in my post entitled "Happy New Year;" I made a pledge, "...to not only think; but vocally affirm positive things."  I've eliminated individuals that attracted a perpetual state of drama, chaos, confusion & negativity.  In addition, I also switched my mindset to "claim positivity into my daily life." No way would I try to "mess up" my flow and sully my new way of life by degrading another individual in a negative manner.
 
"BISHES" are like roaches, for every one exterminated, there are millions left. They've endured everything from wars, cholera, Tax Day & changing decades;  but misery is an affliction that sadly many people feel most comfortable inhabiting. They thrive off watching someone's struggle or downfall.
 
PSA Announcement: If you know, love and/or care for a "bish," please consider holding an intervention for them. By alerting them to their negative behavior(s), you're in essence being a "guiding light" to help that individual choose a better life path.  Only light & love can heal a fractured soul! Be "the light," and if that bish tries to consume & drain your wattage; hit the "off" switch & permanently dim that relationship! Life is too precious to waste it on bishes who refuse to do the internal work to change, improve and grow. 
 
As always, thank you for reading, until next time...
 
Sending you all Love, Light & Positivity,
Kimberly***