Thursday, August 6, 2015

#PainPainGoAwayAndDontEverComeBackThisWay! Experiences of the Chronically Ill

Sometimes, I go through episodes of extreme sadness when I’m experiencing severe pain. Does this happen to you as well?  When I'm feeling sad, it's easiest for me to retreat into a shell. Its protection, because I’m at my most vulnerable & I feel so overwhelmed, sad, hurt, frustrated & angry by my situation. It’s like I’m submerged into a deep vat of lard, mud, quicksand; basically, I feel trapped and confined within my body & my home. Let’s keep it real, if you follow me on Twitter, (@Ms_Modern_CIC) or on Instagram, (@Ms.Modern.CIC) you may have seen me use the hashtags “#BrokendownBlackBarbie & #The Homebound Hottie” like a gazillion times. What can I say? - - It’s my reality...   In those deep dark moments/episodes, I am unable to see any light.  I am totally consumed by & enveloped within all those aforementioned feelings/emotions; I know part of it is based on constantly having to face my mortality - - I guess that’s the life of a Chronically Ill person... I mean, when your diagnoses are deemed "incurable," it's um, ugh, ruh, sort of second nature for one to at least question their overall existence - - I'm just sayin'.  What I’ve learned is, these feelings/emotions that I periodically go through are NOT negative emotions! They're healthy normalI cannot stress this enough, YOU’RE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!  We all deal with an assortment, and/or range of different emotions throughout one singular interaction, with one individual. Now, just imagine how many things you’ll experience during a full day of situations & interactions with hundreds of people.  When having to deal with the highly stressful situation of feeling excruciating pain all day, every day; in conjunction with & exacerbated by, whatever other curve balls life may be throwing at you: (I.e. outstanding bills, insurance issues, relationships etc.) sometimes, your brain is on overload, as in “does compute.”  Your body sends an alarm to have you temporarily power down to battery saver mode. You must take care of your well-being and allow yourself several moments to gather yourself; as in “relax, relate, release!”  I must allow myself however long I need in my shell/bubble to work through these storms.  Eventually, the winds around you & the thunderous rain will stop.  You'll feel like YOU again; regulated, happy & peppy even… You're released from the “protective prison” of your shell. You will want to interact & engage with people again. Heck, the new tears that will form & fall from your eyes, will no longer be because of the physical/mental/emotional anguish & pain you experience.  Instead, on this new day, you know, the one that’s over ‘the horizon,’ I referred to in my previous post entitled, “Within Darkness…” Well, your tears will now be from laughter & joy. Allow yourself the beauty of looking at the glass half full when you can. And on the days where your mood, is “gloomy,” well, it’s cool too! Just don’t stay stuck. Optimism is okay, especially if it's all based on HOPE & FAITH. It also helps if we profess & proclaim positive affirmations into The Universe! Allow your heart to be open to ‘possibilities.’ It's known to help prolong ones existence. But more than that, it's peaceful & that is both attractive & soothing to someone who constantly endures the storms of chronic illness. 

Sending you love, positivity, light & healing vibes,
Kimberly***

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Within Darkness...

I can honestly say the past 3 months have been so tragic for my family.  Within a short period of time we’ve lost over 5 beautiful souls; each one devastating.  The pain, sadness & grief is just immeasurable, there’s no quantifiable measurement that can describe grief. Some of my loved ones succumbed to illness, or advanced age, and one, well they were stolen at the hands of hatred & violence. Besides my family, there are so many warriors from the Scleroderma & Pulmonary Fibrosis communities that have also transitioned & departed the physical realm. At this current juncture, I cannot allow myself to grieve outwardly. Instead, I’ve been keeping a lot of things inside & everything is essentially stored, knotted, twisted & ultimately violently spewed from my stomach at any moment. Graphic, I know, but the truth, is the truth…I’ll schedule my “official/proper” breakdown/my becoming undone for another space within time - - hopefully FAR from today.

For now though, I will share something I wrote on May 14, 2015 at 5:50 PM according to the stamp on the very top of my “note” on my iPod touch. The below was written while I was going through a tough time dealing with my Chronic Illnesses (Scleroderma, Pulmonary Fibrosis, Polymyositis, et. al.). Yesterday, I shared a 4 part video on my Instagram account (Screen name: @Ms.Modern.CIC) where I share my experience of feeling defeated & then by the end of the very same day, feeling lifted, lighter, renewed, encouraged & loved by The Creator. 

Within Darkness…
By Kimberly Bennett-Eady

Within the darkness, the deepest hour of my sadness & despair, it is not solely a pitch black abyss clouded with the gut wrenching cries & screams. My darkness is the hovering dark cloud that hangs out on the outskirts of the parameters of my hope. It's a massive nimbus cloud... It always threatens to rip open & unleash a flood of tears. The hovering oppressive nimbus cloud can amount to a river that literally engulfs me & tries to take me down into the unknown. The unreachable place; the cold barren flatland's of solitary, sterility & void of anything other than darkness, gloom, destruction & death. There's a gradient of colors from midnight black, navy, charcoal grey & at the very, very end of my dark tunnel; there's a bright beaming light. It's white, and soft peach, with flecks of amber colored iridescent sparkles... It's my HOPE... Even on my darkest days, I can still see my beacon on the horizon. This place is full of love, light, positivity, warmness, spirited, jovial sunshine, as well as, hugs & kisses - - it's my full life.  ©


It’s guaranteed that you will feel a range of emotions for your entire lifespan.  If you are feeling sad, low, discouraged, and/or depressed; please seek out someone to speak with as soon as possible, this is nothing to take lightly & it is of the utmost importance! Please seek out help from A Licensed Medical Professional (I.e. Counselor, Primary Care Physician, Therapist, Psychiatrist, or Psychologist), they can be objective and fully listen to you without judgement, and properly diagnose & treat you.  If you feel comfortable with sharing your inner feelings with your trusted & close family and/or friends; in combination with contacting a Medical Professional, please seek them out and share what you are feeling. The more support you have, the more you realize you are not alone, there are people that genuinely care for you and about you. It’s imperative that you take care of your mental, emotional, physical & spiritual well-being at all times.  My hope is, you’ll dig deep inside & continue to keep fighting! I’m rooting for YOU, yes, YOU!

Sending you all Love, Light & Positivity,

Kimberly***