Thursday, August 6, 2015
Sometimes, I go through episodes of extreme sadness when I’m experiencing severe pain. Does this happen to you as well? When I'm feeling sad, it's easiest for me to retreat into a shell. Its protection, because I’m at my most vulnerable & I feel so overwhelmed, sad, hurt, frustrated & angry by my situation. It’s like I’m submerged into a deep vat of lard, mud, quicksand; basically, I feel trapped and confined within my body & my home. Let’s keep it real, if you follow me on Twitter, (@Ms_Modern_CIC) or on Instagram, (@Ms.Modern.CIC) you may have seen me use the hashtags “#BrokendownBlackBarbie & #The Homebound Hottie” like a gazillion times. What can I say? - - It’s my reality... In those deep dark moments/episodes, I am unable to see any light. I am totally consumed by & enveloped within all those aforementioned feelings/emotions; I know part of it is based on constantly having to face my mortality - - I guess that’s the life of a Chronically Ill person... I mean, when your diagnoses are deemed "incurable," it's um, ugh, ruh, sort of second nature for one to at least question their overall existence - - I'm just sayin'. What I’ve learned is, these feelings/emotions that I periodically go through are NOT negative emotions! They're healthy & normal! I cannot stress this enough, YOU’RE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING! We all deal with an assortment, and/or range of different emotions throughout one singular interaction, with one individual. Now, just imagine how many things you’ll experience during a full day of situations & interactions with hundreds of people. When having to deal with the highly stressful situation of feeling excruciating pain all day, every day; in conjunction with & exacerbated by, whatever other curve balls life may be throwing at you: (I.e. outstanding bills, insurance issues, relationships etc.) sometimes, your brain is on overload, as in “does compute.” Your body sends an alarm to have you temporarily power down to battery saver mode. You must take care of your well-being and allow yourself several moments to gather yourself; as in “relax, relate, release!” I must allow myself however long I need in my shell/bubble to work through these storms. Eventually, the winds around you & the thunderous rain will stop. You'll feel like YOU again; regulated, happy & peppy even… You're released from the “protective prison” of your shell. You will want to interact & engage with people again. Heck, the new tears that will form & fall from your eyes, will no longer be because of the physical/mental/emotional anguish & pain you experience. Instead, on this new day, you know, the one that’s over ‘the horizon,’ I referred to in my previous post entitled, “Within Darkness…” Well, your tears will now be from laughter & joy. Allow yourself the beauty of looking at the glass half full when you can. And on the days where your mood, is “gloomy,” well, it’s cool too! Just don’t stay stuck. Optimism is okay, especially if it's all based on HOPE & FAITH. It also helps if we profess & proclaim positive affirmations into The Universe! Allow your heart to be open to ‘possibilities.’ It's known to help prolong ones existence. But more than that, it's peaceful & that is both attractive & soothing to someone who constantly endures the storms of chronic illness.
Sending you love, positivity, light & healing vibes,
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
I can honestly say the past 3 months have been so tragic for my family. Within a short period of time we’ve lost over 5 beautiful souls; each one devastating. The pain, sadness & grief is just immeasurable, there’s no quantifiable measurement that can describe grief. Some of my loved ones succumbed to illness, or advanced age, and one, well they were stolen at the hands of hatred & violence. Besides my family, there are so many warriors from the Scleroderma & Pulmonary Fibrosis communities that have also transitioned & departed the physical realm. At this current juncture, I cannot allow myself to grieve outwardly. Instead, I’ve been keeping a lot of things inside & everything is essentially stored, knotted, twisted & ultimately violently spewed from my stomach at any moment. Graphic, I know, but the truth, is the truth…I’ll schedule my “official/proper” breakdown/my becoming undone for another space within time - - hopefully FAR from today.
For now though, I will share something I wrote on May 14, 2015 at 5:50 PM according to the stamp on the very top of my “note” on my iPod touch. The below was written while I was going through a tough time dealing with my Chronic Illnesses (Scleroderma, Pulmonary Fibrosis, Polymyositis, et. al.). Yesterday, I shared a 4 part video on my Instagram account (Screen name: @Ms.Modern.CIC) where I share my experience of feeling defeated & then by the end of the very same day, feeling lifted, lighter, renewed, encouraged & loved by The Creator.
By Kimberly Bennett-Eady
Within the darkness, the deepest hour of my sadness & despair, it is not solely a pitch black abyss clouded with the gut wrenching cries & screams. My darkness is the hovering dark cloud that hangs out on the outskirts of the parameters of my hope. It's a massive nimbus cloud... It always threatens to rip open & unleash a flood of tears. The hovering oppressive nimbus cloud can amount to a river that literally engulfs me & tries to take me down into the unknown. The unreachable place; the cold barren flatland's of solitary, sterility & void of anything other than darkness, gloom, destruction & death. There's a gradient of colors from midnight black, navy, charcoal grey & at the very, very end of my dark tunnel; there's a bright beaming light. It's white, and soft peach, with flecks of amber colored iridescent sparkles... It's my HOPE... Even on my darkest days, I can still see my beacon on the horizon. This place is full of love, light, positivity, warmness, spirited, jovial sunshine, as well as, hugs & kisses - - it's my full life. ©
It’s guaranteed that you will feel a range of emotions for your entire lifespan. If you are feeling sad, low, discouraged, and/or depressed; please seek out someone to speak with as soon as possible, this is nothing to take lightly & it is of the utmost importance! Please seek out help from A Licensed Medical Professional (I.e. Counselor, Primary Care Physician, Therapist, Psychiatrist, or Psychologist), they can be objective and fully listen to you without judgement, and properly diagnose & treat you. If you feel comfortable with sharing your inner feelings with your trusted & close family and/or friends; in combination with contacting a Medical Professional, please seek them out and share what you are feeling. The more support you have, the more you realize you are not alone, there are people that genuinely care for you and about you. It’s imperative that you take care of your mental, emotional, physical & spiritual well-being at all times. My hope is, you’ll dig deep inside & continue to keep fighting! I’m rooting for YOU, yes, YOU!
Sending you all Love, Light & Positivity,
Friday, April 24, 2015
Memories are your personal experiences & reflections of your past interactions through this “journey” we navigate, better known as - - Life. Your memories are stored away, some, are long lost & forgotten. They’re locked deep, deep within the crevasses & compartments of our minds – like you can’t remember them, that is until someone inserts the key & ‘reminds’ you of the past event. Which, prompts you into opening up the “passageway to the past.” Other memories, are readily available, and embedded right in the frontal lobe. I can clearly recall my very first memory in life. I was in the crib, yes, the crib. I remember my mother’s bed was located in the far right corner of her bedroom, my crib was located to the left side of the room; which was in direct eyeshot of my mother’s bed. I clearly remember the style of her long sleeved ankle length, ivory housecoat with huge pastel colored flowers perfectly placed all over. I glanced upwards and noticed she was exiting the bedroom; I recall wondering, “Where is she going?” I’ve always been inquisitive… I was wearing a short-sleeved chambray blue t-shirt with navy blue piping around my neck and arms, along with a diaper. I was sitting upright, just chilling, and minding my own business. My gaze went from looking at my mom sauntering out of the bedroom, to looking down at my plush animal friends. Just as I glanced downward, I heard a very loud, deep, booming voice scream “BOO!!!” I then saw my father’s long, voluminous “billy goat” inspired beard & accompanying mustached face (it was 1980 – we can’t fault the man for this faux pas) hovering over my crib. This crazy man was looking down at me grinning wide like a Cheshire Cat. I recall his gold chain with the circular charm dangling swinging back and forth over my crib like a pendulum. I jumped up, startled & scared for my life! It was straight out of a bond movie, my little body was “shaken, not stirred.” After the reality of what just occurred and after a few sets of rapid eye blinks; I broke out into tears, wailing loudly for my mother’s return. I needed her to save me from my crazy ass Daddy! I remember thinking, “Why in the hell would you do that Daddy? “ Yes, that was my EXACT thought! It’s a memory - - not a story that was passed down from my parents to me. I remember the very first time I spoke of my earliest memory to my parents, they were shocked – when I accurately described the layout of the room; along with my father admitting his role in the above ‘incident.’ I should make note: Till this very day, I am easily startled & extremely jumpy! I KNOW, he was the catalyst for this life-long condition of everlasting ‘Scaredycatdom!” (Yep, I’m at it again, with another new phrase!) However, I cannot solely blame my father for my rickety nerves; I mean, I did grow up in Castle Hill Houses (Projects); and gunshots were often heard; and thankfully I always dodged…
Some memories haunt my heart. They’re memories of a time where life was a little bit easier, and I could literally BREATHE… Obviously, I’m still breathing, like how in the hell else did I write, this post?!? LMAO (If you’re a new reader, then you should be advised; I MUST inject humor into my posts, it’s a lifestyle, I promise, you’ll love me for it!). Now back to what I was saying…I remember how much easier life was when I wasn’t concerned with breathing with the assistance of supplemental oxygen; without cannula tubing; without coughing so hard that I think I’ll ultimately break my ribs. Ruminating about a time long ago, when I wasn’t so fearful of eating; or even a time where I naturally felt & could easily identify - - hunger. When you have Scleroderma & Pulmonary Fibrosis, there are a lot of issues you may deal with when it comes to GERD, esophageal issues, allergies, as well as, congestion problems ( just to name a few – the lists of symptoms & associated conditions/ailments is too long to cover here). Personally, I have all of the aforementioned conditions, but I’ll focus on my enlarged esophagus. Having an enlarged esophagus is hazardous! My food easily travels back upward, instead of digesting properly, like a normal, healthy working esophagus/gut. I am in jeopardy of my food aspirating into my lungs and choking me to death. As a precaution, I must not eat late in the evening; it’s advised, that sit upright for 3 hours & sleep at a 45 degree angle. Furthermore, I also need to avoid certain foods & drinks that can exacerbate chaos and inflict havoc. Hell, I’m longing for the times where I was actually able to sleep, a full, deep rested, uninterrupted slumber. One where my dreams weren’t nightmares, full of anxiety about waging a war to remain alive. When I have a memory of my former, healthy life, I realize how dangerous some those memories are. I’m left longing for something I’ll never be able to regain in this life – apparatus free living. The fibrosis in my lungs severely restricts my breathing. I affectionately refer to them as my “lousy lungs,” which only function at 35%. I cough throughout the day & night, anything can set it off, from laughter, to dust, perfumes or colognes, and if I (over)eat – well, then I get sick, because I have no gag reflex, to hold things securely inside. I feel full most days (which is actually very common in Pulmonary Fibrosis patients). The supplemental oxygen level I’m on is 2.5 liters & sometimes, I have to go up to 3 liters to breathe easier. The only option to ‘save my life’ is to receive a double lung transplant. Life is ironic, the one thing that can save my life, is also the thing I CANNOT receive. So this is the place, where I’d usually insert something funny; but no, this is actually pretty sad. I’ve made peace with this. My expiration date cannot be determined by doctors. Only HE knows when I will be done with my journey in the physical world. Statistically, there may be a greater chance of getting hit by a bus, or some other horrific accident that would take me out of this world more quickly than my diseases. I may live to be a wrinkle-free Centenarian. (My Scleroderma Warriors will relate to this quip, LOL.)
In order to cope, with this beautifully imperfect life of mine, I choose to focus on actually living within; as well as, participating in fostering & sustaining healthy, loving relationships with my close family & dear friends. I’m focused on creating & nurturing heart-to-heart connections with beautiful souls by sharing, learning, exchanging, educating, advocating and collaborating on ways to bring about awareness & funding to Scleroderma, Pulmonary Fibrosis and Polymyositis Organizations. In addition, it’s imperative for me to work on promoting positivity, empowerment and uplifting one another to live up to our greatness, “Stand in Our Truths” & take ownership & be cognizant of how we move within The Universe. Basically, I’m too damn busy being an active participant and writing my NEW narrative; not the one prescribed to me by any textbook/physician/medical test. I’m more focused on reminiscing about all the good times; it brings a smile to my face, joy to my heart, and usually laughter in copious amounts; because of my “theatrical orating” in only the way, I can deliver doses of hilarity. And last but definitely not least, if it weren’t for my beloved & cathartic writing… I truly would be, “Alone In a Room,” “All By Myself,” “Alone, Alone, Alone.” <- Trivia Category: “Origin of Phrases for 500...” & the Answer is: “What are song lyrics Alex?!” LMAO, CTFU… I truly crack myself up!
Thank you for reading, until next time…
Sending you all love, light & positivity,
Saturday, April 18, 2015
How to Handle Haters 101: "If they hate, then let them hate & watch the money pile up!!!" My fellow hip-hop enthusiasts have committed these "words to live by" as a decree on how to 'navigate life.' They were orated by 50 Cent in his monster hit "In Da Club." There's a simple formula you can remember to help you keep focused on obtaining/working towards your goals at all times:
"Your dollars = zero cents to hating bishes!"
As defined yesterday, a bish is a Bitter Individual Spewing Hate. This bish doesn't matter in your episode of "Living Life"<- Oh yeah, I should make a quick mention...that's the new "TV Title" I've assigned for "our episodes" a.k.a. "topics of discussion" LOL. I just crack up and how awesome & creative I am! Hahahah remember, I already established that "the first love is self-love" in a previous post :-) and yes, yes, as Beyoncé would say, "I'm feelin' feeling myself!" but I digress... After yesterday's post entitled, "Ms.Modern.C.I.C.ism 101," I laid the groundwork on explaining why we must shut bishes completely out of our lives. They (bishes) are dangerously toxic & if you inhabit the same air supply with them for too long; their energy WILL rub off on you, which will mess up your entire chi on like 100 different levels! You must continue on your "positivity path" and keep going after & working towards your goals.
Remember, you have to know & believe that your talent, technique & drive will win your race each and every time! We each have our own lane that we're running in to obtain our respective wins. Of course in this analogy, the race is life. We must continue our growth and evolution to constantly propel upwards, continue onward, never veering too far off the path of our goal(s); and continuously move in the forward direction!! It's about pushing yourself beyond the parameters of your "comfort zone." Be bold & brave to go after what it is that your heart desires; just make sure, your motivation & your skill set/talents can live up to what it is you're working to achieve.
We often don't realize that when you study, work hard & go after your goals; you're already successful. Many individuals equate success with monetary reward. Sure, getting paid appropriately or in excess, would be the icing on the proverbial 'cake.' However, hard work in itself is a success, because it shows your intense drive to strive for something diligently. Your resolve & strength show great character and mental focus, as well as maturity. As you continue working, you WILL be noticed and appreciated. Your work WILL touch one person; then a few, eventually... you've lost count, not because you are inundated or can't be bothered. But because, you aren't counting how many times you were the light for someone to help lead them to a better path for their lives. Each time you're able to help another person improve their outlook; well, that just fills up your heart and satisfies your soul - - that's the real reward. You're "paid purely' in the form of joy to your heart & a smile on your face.
As you forge ahead etching your name/brand into your chosen industry, always remember to remain humble, proceed with dignity, honesty & grace as you continue to successfully climb your way to the top! We all know as we grind HARD, there's always a bish standing where? Over there; yup them, that bish! They're doing what they do best – being a bitter individual spewing hate! They’re wishing and praying for your downfall, they can’t wait to rejoice in your failure. What should you do? Nod at them, not to acknowledge their existence; but, to let them know you can SEE their true intentions. Haters/”Jealous Ones”/Bishes come from the same parasitic family; they thrive solely on the consumption of your downfall! When you let them know they've been "identified" you’ve already take away their “power.” Did I forget to mention some of the biggest bishes can actually be in YOUR group?! Yup, it's true, some bishes are our ‘friends’ & ‘family.’ When you let them know you "peep game" urban colloquialism which is the equivalent of “discovered their true intentions,” as in what scheme they're up to. You know to keep them avoid and/or eliminate an infiltrator. Now you’re free & clear to continue to, "keep rising to the top & give it all you got!"
Thanks for reading! See you next time...
Sending you Love, Light & Positivity!
Friday, April 17, 2015
Ms.Modern.C.I.C.ism 101: Defining & Clarifying MY usage of the word "bish." My usage of "bish" is VERY, VERY, VERY different from the commonly used "replacement" for a degrading name (rhymes with witch) & often used to primarily belittle/degrade women. It's not exclusively used to solely slander women; it's often used to demote men as well. When I utilize the word "bish," it's an acronym; it stands for:
This term is not gender specific. It's used to describe detractors/haters; you know "Negative Nelly's" "Sour Sylvester's" "Grimy Gavin's" or "Bitter Becky's." I'm living in and loving my "journey of positivity." If you're a regular reader, you will remember back to the very first day of the New Year, in my post entitled "Happy New Year;" I made a pledge, "...to not only think; but vocally affirm positive things." I've eliminated individuals that attracted a perpetual state of drama, chaos, confusion & negativity. In addition, I also switched my mindset to "claim positivity into my daily life." No way would I try to "mess up" my flow and sully my new way of life by degrading another individual in a negative manner.
"BISHES" are like roaches, for every one exterminated, there are millions left. They've endured everything from wars, cholera, Tax Day & changing decades; but misery is an affliction that sadly many people feel most comfortable inhabiting. They thrive off watching someone's struggle or downfall.
PSA Announcement: If you know, love and/or care for a "bish," please consider holding an intervention for them. By alerting them to their negative behavior(s), you're in essence being a "guiding light" to help that individual choose a better life path. Only light & love can heal a fractured soul! Be "the light," and if that bish tries to consume & drain your wattage; hit the "off" switch & permanently dim that relationship! Life is too precious to waste it on bishes who refuse to do the internal work to change, improve and grow.
As always, thank you for reading, until next time...
Sending you all Love, Light & Positivity,
Sunday, February 22, 2015
A few weeks ago, I had a Facebook late-night group text chat with ‘The Uniques.’ “The Uniques” are a group of 7 dynamic individuals with beautiful souls & minds. We’ve bonded with one another over the past few months. Initially, we were connected through the neighborhood in which we grew up in. We all hailed from “Castle Hill Houses,” which is often referred to as, “Castle Hill Projects;” in the great State of New York, located in the county/borough of The Bronx. Through interactions with one another, it lead to us being ‘tagged,’ in several of the same ‘posts;’ thus, leading us to ‘like’ each other’s comments, and as they say, “the rest is history.” Now we’ve evolved from acquaintances, to friends & family. Our discussions range on everything from the political, social, the spiritual and just regular life events. While having general conversation, the very important topic of “Standing in Your Truth” came up. Within the above title, I say it’s the “Number 2 Life Lesson;” because the absolute cardinal rule is, “The first love is self-love!” If you don’t have self-love, how in the world do you expect to love anyone else? That’s obviously a rhetorical question… Life has taught most of us, the very important ‘answer’ to the above (question). If you don’t love yourself in your entirety, you can never live in ‘your truth;’ nor can you truly love another person. In case you’re new to the phrase, or you’ve heard it; but, need more understanding/clarification of what it truly means… “Standing in Your Truth,” can be defined as: purely loving yourself in your totality; this includes all the great stuff, the flaws, quirks and every other complex thing about yourself. We humans, we’re multifaceted beings, and there are so many layers to what makes us who we are as individuals. Everything from genetics, to life’s societal mores, laws, and interactions, play a part in who we are & a small part of that, influences what or who we become. However, when you get to a certain age, you’re no longer able to use the “how I was raised, or the environment where I’m from,” as excuses to hold oneself back from achieving the greatness that is locked in each and every one of us!
Standing in your truth means, loving and accepting all parts of yourself and being honest with yourself at all times! Never compromise who you are to be in a relationship with anyone. You are never to dim your bright beautiful spirit/light to allow someone else to take a more important & vital role in YOUR life. Trust, that person’s “need to be number one, within the spotlight of your life and theirs,” speaks volumes, in regards to their personal insecurities. These individuals use the ugly tactic of verbal manipulation/abuse against you to both dominate and control you. Essentially, you gave them permission to literally shift and dictate areas of your life. Your need for romantic love, friendship, acceptance, and/or partnership “at all costs”; has clouded your vision. What you once had in the area of self-love mutates to the feelings of disdain & self-loathing. The Parasitic Hosts (no good, abusive women or men) are very successful in their efforts to embed themselves within your mind & methodically inject the venomous seeds of doubt into your psyche. Your uncertainty & weakened spirit is what waters these ‘seeds of doubt’ and now, these negative attributes grow, fester and drown you in sorrow, misery; and you now believe you are somehow ‘less than.” By taking on these lies, you’ve now become “a product of your environment.” Even within your weakened state; you still have the power; because they can only grow more powerful with your permission. By you keeping company with this unstable lecherous toxic individual; you allow them access to consistently and continually break you down and suck your spirit from the inside, outward. You have to dig deep, reclaim what’s rightfully yours and expel the parasitic hosts from your life. That is the first step to once again “standing in your truth.” It’s possible, don’t for one second doubt this fact. Whatever you put your mind to, you can & will achieve it!
Stand in your truth, respect yourself and love yourself enough to know you’re amazing, powerful, and dynamic and own these things. By knowing your full worth, you will never, ever allow yourself to be treated as a subservient observer to the narrative that is YOUR life.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Hello Beautiful People! It’s my sincere hope that you’ve had a safe and joyous Holiday Season! Happy New Year! It’s officially 2015, and it’s my most sincere hope that you, yes, YOU, (the beautiful person reading this post) & your loved ones have a wonderful year ahead!! Even though I had absolutely no plans to go out to celebrate New Year’s Eve; I still got cute, you know, for my “Solo-Dolo Party of Exactly 1” LOL… Heeeeyyyyyy, I might be alone, but it doesn’t mean I can’t look cute to bring in the New Year. After my evening shower, I threw on some cute purple, magenta, lilac and white plaid pajama pants accented with the thinnest, strategically placed gold vertical lines. I paired it with an off the shoulder grey belly top. I quickly swept my hair into a top knot. Added a few coats of mascara to my eyelashes, and as I put on my 2nd coat of lip gloss, I was super excited at the mere thought of all the possibilities of this New Year of life!
This is the start, to what I hope will be an even more successful year, both professionally and personally for my loved ones, as well as, myself! All I ever want in life, is for the beautiful souls that surround me to win! You know, achieve their personal best. If there’s absolutely anything I can do to assist them in achieving their goals, dreams, opportunities or aspirations; then I will do everything within my power to help them; you know, as long as it’s legal!!! I’m just keeping it all the way real with you, because this pretty #BrokendownBlackBarbie is NOT about that jail/prison life! Anyway, as I was saying... I have this feeling, like a “for sure” kind of feeling, you know that feeling, like its waaaayyy down deep in the bottom of your diaphragm, or even as far down as the soles of your feet?!?! Either way, I just have this feeling that anything and everything we desire & work hard towards within 2015; CAN & WILL be achieved & well received, but, most importantly, appreciated & valued!
I can’t get with making resolutions. I am however, all about periodically doing introspective work. I want to make sure that I’m maturing properly and living up to the high standards that I hold acceptable for myself. So far, I’m on the correct path, I’m proud of myself and my accomplishments. I am still working on things, as we all are. You know, we humans tend to evolve, grow, mature several times throughout our respective lifetimes; well most of us do anyway... Sadly, some individuals stay stagnant; or truly have a horrible/negative disposition about themselves and they sadly ruin everything they touch. This New Year is all about spreading kindness, love & positivity! Let’s make a pact, let’s try our very best to not only think, but vocally affirm POSITIVE things; if we claim positivity into our daily lives, we will see positive changes! The Universe is listening! Always remember, what you decide to put out into it, is exactly what you will receive in return. If you’re up for the challenge, I look forward to you joining me on this journey for 2015 & beyond! Enjoy this New Year, it’s filled with hope and opportunity. It’s up to you to make sure you live your best life; after all, we only live this one life, this one time!
Thanks for reading, until next time…
Smooches & Hugs,